This has been a really tough year, well, couple of years for my family -for me. It started with my husband sustaining a closed-head injury. And translated into a million different things: I had to begin working (when all I EVER wanted to do was be a stay-at-home Mom), our finances have been tough, then Larry was laid off, we lost our house, and a million other little things. We are having trouble keeping the wolf from the door. And you would think, at this time of year and with the struggles that SO many families are going through, that the wolves would hear "unemployed with three kids and another on the way", and just back off and "Baaaaaa" a few times. But NO! And apparently a full payment made on Friday is not enough to keep them from locking you down on Monday! AAARGH!
On my blog I try very hard to reach to the joy of life, the beauty, the things that you laugh at in spite of yourself. But there is also a deep desire in my heart to be known as well. Yes, I am human. I get angry, I can be lazy, I DO snap at my kids, I don't always submit to Sweet Geek the way I should, I am not really a super Christian! I can't be perfect -as much as most people want others to believe that about themselves, and on another note, on a blog it is really easy to portray to your readers who you WANT them to see -not the way you are REALLY feeling, or the faults so clear to those around you.
So here is my blunt and hones post. It is raw and a little unkempt, but it is real.
The truth is that I am angry! I am angry at the mortgage company that REFUSED to work with us, and took our house! I am angry that they are now selling it for $40,000 -a small fraction of what we owed. What if they had let US have it for that!
I am angry at the car loan company that took advantage of us for YEARS!! And every time they talk to Sweet Geek they tell him that he needs to do the "responsible" thing. Because letting your three little children go hungry or have no heat so you can pay for a car is more responsible than going to the grocery store.
I am angry at the company that laid him off! He worked there for YEARS and literally saved the company MILLIONS of dollars, and yet when they made cuts, all they could see was the time missed because of his head injury, and the money it was costing them to insure our growing family.
I am angry at the credit card company that does everything they can to make our lives miserable -even trying to cut us out of our bank accounts- because a full payment on Friday is not enough to keep them from shutting us down on Monday! AAAARGH! The love of money IS the root of all evil! Holding a person's money hostage so they can't buy groceries, pay rent, buy gas, pay utilities is SO ethical! Don't you think?!
I am not angry at God. A little frustrated at times because I cannot see any value in what He has allowed happen to our family, but not really angry. Mostly I feel abandoned. I know in my head that He promises never to leave or forsake us, but I have been praying for a miracle for so long, and I feel like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling and dropping into my lap.
I cannot say I have never been here before. I have, and God DID reveal Himself to me. I think that every Christian out there has at one time or another felt that way. There is nothing wrong in it, it just is the way that our human minds and emotions deal with the things that we cannot see in an eternal and all knowing God.
But even though my head knows this, it does not keep the tears from falling, does not keep the heart from aching, does not keep the stress from mounting. It does not make me feel any less alone in this great big world, that right now is KICKING ME ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!
Then you add the fatigue that comes from being pregnant, the constant hip and pelvic pain that becomes more and more excruciating each day, and this terrible cold that simply will not let go, and it makes for every day being a little more difficult.
For those of you who thought I was this deeply spiritual Christian, this must be a real eye-opener for all of you!
But in the middle of all of this, there is a deep sense of gratitude! I think this is the "peace that passes all understanding." How can I be so overwhelmed with everything burdening me and still be thankful? Well, here is how: My kids don't have cancer. That is right, no heart conditions or any other life-threatening illness. Our unborn baby is healthy! After losing our dear unborn child in January, that makes every kick from her a reason to rejoice, and thank God for her very presence. I am grateful for family that calls me, prays for me, checks on me. I am thankful for growing up in a family that loved and honored God -and showed through trial and example how to love Him too! I am SO grateful for the fact that we are all together, and we have a roof over our heads. I am grateful for my sweet little girls! They can be sassy and have their "days", but they really are smart and sweet little people who bless me on a daily basis, and always give me reason to laugh. I am grateful for good friends that check on me, and help me when they can. I am grateful for the times that God has shown Himself to me in the past. I am grateful for the times, over and over, that God came through at the last minute for my family growing up. Yes, I am grateful for the trials. This is so difficult (probably harder because I am pregnant and overrun by hormones), but I will reluctantly embrace the opportunity to see God show Himself to me and my husband. I am grateful for my Sweet Geek, who brought me medicine every 4 hours when I was miserably sick, gets up early and cleans the driveway and my car before I go to work, made sure I had the GOOD snow brush in my car, and does a million tiny things every day that simply scream "I LOVE YOU!!!" I am grateful for so many things. More than I can name. I am thankful for all of you reading my posts! My ramblings are disjointed, silly and sometimes a little vain, but I like knowing that you are there. I am thankful for a banker named Traci, and I am thankful for the BIG things too.
I am thankful for small kindnesses and graces. Like today, when (after two stores, VERY pregnant, with three small girls in tow) I felt as if my exhausted body could not take another step. We were looking for something specific, and I decided to try one more store. I pulled in, and my heart sank to see that the parking lot was SO full that the only spaces left were in Bufu, Egypt. AAARGH!!! I was going to have to walk the entire length of the parking lot with crazy drivers (not paying attention), but I was going to have to try to drag my kids through all that mess without them getting run over! Kind of a frightening thought, when you think that I can't move fast enough now to intervene! At the last moment I saw a car pull out of a spot only THREE SPACES from the door! Another driver was racing to the spot, and, as he had the right of way, I was sure that the spot was lost to me. I don't know if he could see my panicked look, or if he could see the three heads bobbing in the back seat, but he pulled past me to park in Bufu, Egypt, and waved me into the spot. I was SO relieved! I wanted to thank him, but could not find him after we got out.
I am thankful for that man. I am sure that he will never read this blog (as he seemed young and hip and WAY too cool to read the blog of a rather odd mom with and strange sense of humor), but I hope that someone blesses him with an incredible kindness! That is my prayer for him. It may seem like a small thing, but in this time when we are being hit from every side by people who do not care, a tiny reminder that there is kindness in this world is especially touching to my bruised and wounded spirit. It was a little salve on my soul. Thank you, God. And thank you Man in the Red Fleece. I think God sent you to me today to remind me that He has not forgotten me, and that He still has people in this world that know how important a small kindness can be. You blessed me. Today God reminded me to be thankful when the world seems to have me neck-deep in mud. He threw me a rope, perhaps not to pull me out of the mud today, but to keep me from sinking any lower. Thanks you, God. I am thankful!