I RAN to the bathroom as another wave of nausea rushed over me! Oh, NO! Not again! We WERE NOT in the place to have another baby! Larry had JUST been laid off, we were about to lose our insurance, I had at least 3 accounts I was working on, and we needed the money. For those of you who know, my pregnancies are nine months of torture. I am unable to keep anything down, I am sick multiple times every day with no relief for nine months. Imagine having the flu for nine months! With my oldest it was so bad that I spent the better part of four months in the hospital: 3days in, 2 days out, 5 days in, 4 days out....
So it was a very scary thought that I could be pregnant -as I ran to the bathroom for the fourth time in a half-hour. Lord! What are you doing?? We can't have a baby right now! I HAVE to work! We have NO INSURANCE! God! What are we going to do?! As I struggled with the difficulties ahead, I rolled around in my head if there was ANY way I could continue to work while I was pregnant! (Excuse me, Client, I need to run to the bathroom and be sick. I will be right back. Do you have any breath mints?)
It just didn't seem possible! What were we going to do. I am now the breadwinner! The joy of a child was mingled with fear for our future. But God reminded me of all the times that He had met my needs over the years. He reminded me that a sparrow cannot fall without His knowledge! How much more does He care about our family!
So, I remembered that in HIS will is the best place to be, and if He chose to bless us with a baby right now, then blessings would SO outweigh the hardship. We would never look back from His will. I surrendered, and began to prepare myself emotionally for the long road ahead. I knew that it was going to be beyond hard to deal with everything -and be pregnant. I knew it could very well be the hardest thing I have ever been through. And through the mental shoring up, I began to feel some joy (in the middle of waves of nausea and exhaustion). We were having a BABY! =) And as the days went by, I had much hope for the next nine months!
Then the weakness. I was fading fast. That day we were at a friend's house. As the day went on I was more and more weak, more and more woozy, I was feeling lightheaded (not unusual with pregnancy), but was very anxious to get home. We got home, and I put the kids to bed, and got myself ready for bed, and discovered that I had been bleeding all afternoon. I called the Dr and he told me that there was nothing he could do. He told me to prepare for cramping and bleeding. At first I was dazed, then a little relived. Then the sorrow began to flood over me! What! After the entire time of adjustment and God bringing me to surrender. After letting my fears go, and trusting Him. After all that -He takes her (just guessing on gender based on track record) from me!!? What in the WORLD?! WHY!? Why would God take me through all that: pregnancy, terror, helplessness, surrender to His will -only to SNATCH it from me!
One night I couldn't sleep, and sometime in the wee hours of the morning I asked Him, and a quietness suddenly hit my soul like a blast of cold air. He whispered to my heart "Not now." And that was all He said. That was all that was needed. And the surrender to a changed outlook was in order. God's will was for my surrender -to whatever His will is. He was right! A baby right now is a bad idea, but NO MATTER the path He has for me, I choose to do His will and give myself fully to what He has for me and my family.
I have a child I have never met, but I have so much to be thankful for! Look at the beautiful and wonderful babies He has given me! I think if I didn't have a child (or two, or three) to hold, then this would have been a crippling blow.
I still have to grieve. I have a child that I will never meet in this lifetime. And you know, the thing that really gets me? The things that fill my eyes with tears are all the milestones I will miss. It is the baby smell, tiny fingers and toes, first baby giggle,
and this...
So it was a very scary thought that I could be pregnant -as I ran to the bathroom for the fourth time in a half-hour. Lord! What are you doing?? We can't have a baby right now! I HAVE to work! We have NO INSURANCE! God! What are we going to do?! As I struggled with the difficulties ahead, I rolled around in my head if there was ANY way I could continue to work while I was pregnant! (Excuse me, Client, I need to run to the bathroom and be sick. I will be right back. Do you have any breath mints?)
It just didn't seem possible! What were we going to do. I am now the breadwinner! The joy of a child was mingled with fear for our future. But God reminded me of all the times that He had met my needs over the years. He reminded me that a sparrow cannot fall without His knowledge! How much more does He care about our family!
So, I remembered that in HIS will is the best place to be, and if He chose to bless us with a baby right now, then blessings would SO outweigh the hardship. We would never look back from His will. I surrendered, and began to prepare myself emotionally for the long road ahead. I knew that it was going to be beyond hard to deal with everything -and be pregnant. I knew it could very well be the hardest thing I have ever been through. And through the mental shoring up, I began to feel some joy (in the middle of waves of nausea and exhaustion). We were having a BABY! =) And as the days went by, I had much hope for the next nine months!
Then the weakness. I was fading fast. That day we were at a friend's house. As the day went on I was more and more weak, more and more woozy, I was feeling lightheaded (not unusual with pregnancy), but was very anxious to get home. We got home, and I put the kids to bed, and got myself ready for bed, and discovered that I had been bleeding all afternoon. I called the Dr and he told me that there was nothing he could do. He told me to prepare for cramping and bleeding. At first I was dazed, then a little relived. Then the sorrow began to flood over me! What! After the entire time of adjustment and God bringing me to surrender. After letting my fears go, and trusting Him. After all that -He takes her (just guessing on gender based on track record) from me!!? What in the WORLD?! WHY!? Why would God take me through all that: pregnancy, terror, helplessness, surrender to His will -only to SNATCH it from me!
One night I couldn't sleep, and sometime in the wee hours of the morning I asked Him, and a quietness suddenly hit my soul like a blast of cold air. He whispered to my heart "Not now." And that was all He said. That was all that was needed. And the surrender to a changed outlook was in order. God's will was for my surrender -to whatever His will is. He was right! A baby right now is a bad idea, but NO MATTER the path He has for me, I choose to do His will and give myself fully to what He has for me and my family.
I have a child I have never met, but I have so much to be thankful for! Look at the beautiful and wonderful babies He has given me! I think if I didn't have a child (or two, or three) to hold, then this would have been a crippling blow.
I still have to grieve. I have a child that I will never meet in this lifetime. And you know, the thing that really gets me? The things that fill my eyes with tears are all the milestones I will miss. It is the baby smell, tiny fingers and toes, first baby giggle,
and this...
and this...
and this...
and this...
and is there anything in the world sweeter than this?...
and this...
and let's re-visit this one...
It is at the times that I think of these sweet moments that my arms ache to hold my child, and I struggle to remember Whose arms they are in. But I have HOPE! I will see my sweet baby. I will hold that baby -perhaps no longer a baby- in MY arms, and we will have eternity together. And that makes my grief bearable. And I am sure that my grandmother -who always LOVED babies- had her own little kissing party! I also have to remember WHOSE arms *I* am in. That as much as I love my children -present or not- that He loves ME even more than that, and feels my pain, and cries with and for me. I am grateful to have such a Savior. I am so grateful to have such a hope. And with tears running down my face, I can say "ALL is WELL!"
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